A Codependent Mind

S3 - #9 Beyond Codependency - Caretaking

The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V
One-sided caretaking is a hallmark of a codependent relationship. But caretaking is a natural human instinct. How do you know if the caretaking you are doing is healthy and appropriate or if it is a codependent habit?
00:01:13 Healthy Versions of Caretaking00:07:00 Caretaking Gone Wrong00:09:50 Two-sided Caretaking vs One-sided Caretaking00:12:54 Caretaking in Romantic Relationships00:18:36 The Caretaking Instinct00:28:30 Resentment
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S3 - #10 Beyond Codependency - Codependency Revisited

The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V
In this episode we revisit the idea and definition of codependency that we laid out in the very first episode. In doing this podcast, talking with each other and interacting with listeners, we have learned even more about what makes up this web of codependency and have come to understand it as a spectrum of habitual behaviors that can be mild or severe. Most importantly, we have learned that these habits, if recognized and addressed, can be broken. 
00:01:26 Initial understanding of Codependency00:03:34 Definition of codependency from Episode 100:04:20 Our new working definition of codependency00:08:03 Codependency in relationships00:09:38 Identifying codependency00:15:22 Codependency in 'healthy' relationships00:19:45 Codependency as trauma response00:23:56 Healing codependency
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S3 - #11 Beyond Codependency - Anger and Resentment

The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V
Along with shame and fear, anger and resentment are two challenging emotions for people with codependent habits to deal with. That was certainly the case for Brian. In this episode we explore the differences between anger and resentment, where they come from, how Brian dealt with them in the past and what his approach is now. 
In this episode:00:01:39 Anger as a 'bad' emotion'00:02:30 Aristotle on emotion00:04:24 Emotions as information00:07:32 Buddha's 'second arrow'00:08:24 Origins of problems with anger00:11:52 Role of anger00:13:05 Codependents, narcissists and anger00:17:50 Anger and resentment00:23:24 Managing resentment
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S3 - #12 Beyond Codependency - 12 Steps

The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V
In "The Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous, 12 steps are suggested as a program of recovery. Those 12 steps have been adopted, with minimal changes, by Co-dependents Anonymous. Brian did not find the CoDA or the AA steps helpful in his efforts to understand and change his codependent behaviors, but the act of writing out his own 12 steps was a helpful exercise.
In this episode we discuss 12 step programs and outline the steps (listed below) that Brian felt he went through in kicking the codependent habits. These are offered not as a 'program of recovery' but as inspiration for others to design and develop their own 12 step program. 
00:01:22 The disease model00:04:10 AA00:08:11 CODA steps00:14:00 Brian's steps 1-5
I admitted that I was powerful, that my life could be manageable.
I came to believe that human interpersonal relationships are a core feature of an enriching life experience, and that my habitual codependent behaviors were holding me back from having that experience.
I made a decision to listen to what my emotions are telling me and understand the ways in which I had been avoiding or burying those emotions.
I made a searching and fearless inventory of all the relationships in my life, past and present, what effect those people’s behaviors have had on me, and the effects my behaviors have had on those people.
I admitted to another human being that I value and trust the exact nature of those behaviors and relationships, to the best of my ability.
I was entirely ready to face the shame and fear that I had been burying or avoiding, asking for help from others, when necessary.
I searched for the root causes of all my maladaptive behavior patterns and worked on strategies for healing from the effects of those causes.
I made a list of all my wants, needs, desires, values and expectations for my life and for my relationships.
Using that list, I made an honest attempt to look at the big picture of my life to see which of my actions and which of my relationships were or weren’t serving my wellbeing.
I continue to cultivate my ability to recognize what power I have and how I can apply that power to make changes I need to make or accept things I can’t change.
I continue to watch how I use my language, and for the motivations behind my initial reactions to situations or other people’s behaviors, and when they resemble what I understand as codependency, promptly correct myself.
Having gained the self-awareness and wisdom that has come from taking these steps, I commit to making all of these new behaviors my habitual behaviors.
 
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S3 - #13 Beyond Codependency - 12 Steps, part 2

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This episode is a continuation of the previous episode, S3 - #12 Beyond Codependency - 12 Steps. We discuss steps six through 12. Below are all 12 steps, plus reference to previous episodes that expand on the ideas and actions described by each individual step. 
1. I admitted that I was powerful, that my life could be manageable.
S1 - #5 Codependency and Lack of Agency
S3 - #10 Beyond Codependency - Codependency Revisited
2. I came to believe that human interpersonal relationships are a core feature of an enriching life experience, and that my habitual codependent behaviors were holding me back from having that experience.
S1 - #4 Codependency and Narcissism
S3 - #4 Beyond Codependency - Relationships
S3 - #3 Beyond Codependency - People Pleasing
S3 - #9 Beyond Codependency - Caretaking
3. I made a decision to listen to what my emotions are telling me and understand the ways in which I had been avoiding or burying those emotions.
S1 - #7 Codependency and Emotional Immaturity
4. I made a searching and fearless inventory of all the relationships in my life, past and present, what effect those people’s behaviors have had on me, and the effects my behaviors have had on those people.
S1 - #3 Codependency and Trauma Bonding
S2 - #5 Healing Codependency - Loving a Codependent Mind
5. I admitted to another human being that I value and trust the exact nature of those behaviors and relationships, to the best of my ability.
S2 - #1 Healing Codependency - Getting Started
6. I was entirely ready to face the shame and fear that I had been burying or avoiding, asking for help from others, when necessary.
S1 - #6 Codependency and Shame
S2  - #2 Healing Codependency - Emotional Development
7. I searched for the root causes of all my maladaptive behavior patterns and worked on strategies for healing from the effects of those causes.
S1 - #1 Codependency - Origins
S1 - #2 Codependency and Trauma
S3 - #2 Beyond Codependency - Diagnosis
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma - by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.
8. I made a list of all my wants, needs, desires, values and expectations for my life and for my relationships.
S2 - #1 Healing Codependency - Getting Started
9. Using that list, I made an honest attempt to look at the big picture of my life to see which of my actions and which of my relationships were or weren’t serving my wellbeing.
S2 - #3 Healing Codependency - Re-Writing Stories
S3 - #5 Beyond Codependency - Family of Origin
10. I continue to cultivate my ability to recognize what power I have and how I can apply that power to make changes I need to make or accept things I can’t change.
S3 - #7 Beyond Codependency - The Serenity Prayer
11. I continue to watch how I use my language, and for the motivations behind my initial reactions to situations or other people’s behaviors, and when they resemble what I understand as codependency, promptly correct myself.
S2 - #4 Healing from Codependency - Breaking the Powerlessness Habit
12. Having gained the self-awareness and wisdom that has come from taking these steps, I commit to making all of these new behaviors my habitual behaviors.
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Trailer

Rooting out codependency involves going back to the source, to where the codependent habits and behaviors first formed. This is a clip from Season 3, episode 5 where Brian discusses the effect his dad's anger had on him as a child. 
The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V

S4 - #1 Codependency and Relationships: Intimacy

The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V
In this season, we investigate core concepts about relationships and the ways in which codependent behaviors can make it difficult to form and sustain loving, intimate relationships. In this episode, we start with a discussion of intimacy itself - what are the different forms of intimacy? what are some ways intimacy is challenging, especially with people struggling with codependency? what kinds of intimacy difficulties have we dealt with as a couple and how are we addressing them? 
In this episode:00:02:57 Definition of intimacy00:04:50 Emotional intimacy00:06:01 Intimacy and codependency00:09:49 Brian and Stephanie meet00:11:07 Loneliness00:13:32 Building emotional intimacy00:16:17 Trust00:23:30 Vulnerability00:24:27 Curiosity
 
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S4 - #2 Codependency and Relationships: Dependency, Codependency and Interdependency

The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V
Unlike Codependency, Dependency Personality Disorder is listed in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual as a recognized personality disorder. Both Dependency and Codependency, however, share many maladaptive behaviors and can be rooted in negative childhood experience. In this episode, we discuss the many negative ways dependency, including narcissistic dependency, can show up in relationships and explore a positive version of dependency - Interdependency.  
00:01:23 Emotional regulation/dysregulation00:05:33 Dependency Personality Disorder00:08:55 Codependency and Narcissism00:18:41 Interdependence00:26:04 Being hurt vs. hurtful behavior
 
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S4 - #3 Codependency and Relationships: Emotional Regulation

The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V
Learning how to regulate your emotions is a critical to be able to go on to develop healthy, stable relationships. Unfortunately, that learning is interrupted and/or distorted for many people; it was for Brian. We discuss how what emotional regulation (or, more accurately, emotional dysregulation) looked like in Brian's family and how that fed in to the codependent relationships he formed throughout his life. We also discuss what self regulation and co-regulation looks like in our relationship.
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S4 -#4 Codependency and Relationships: Trust

The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V
Trust has been a major issue in our relationship. Brian's codependent habits, which included people pleasing and reflexive lying, made it difficult to for him to trust himself and consequently, difficult for Stephanie to place her trust in him and in the relationship. In this episode we explore the different dimensions of trust and the ways in which it was violated and then repaired in our relationship.
00:02:43 Honesty and trust00:10:39 Reliability/competence and trust00:15:58 Self-knowledge and trust00:18:18 Re-establishing trust
 
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